Country is not spelt County
by Fishtastic
Summary: Why the actual hell do you want to read this? BECAUSE IT IS GAY love, Clark
1. Chapter 1

Ukraine X Gertrude

 _Yes. I'm definitely lost._ Ukraine thought as she wandered aimlessly though the streets of this very dark and unfamiliar place. America had invited Russia over to visit and Ukraine had decided to tag along. That was a mistake, as she had lost sight of her brother and their over-enthusiastic friend, and wound up straying to some unknown part of the country and quickly ended up lost, which wasn't difficult considering how vast the country was.

Ukraine heard music coming from somewhere nearby and as she turned the next corner she saw the bright neon sign, illuminating the name 'Oswald's'. Deciding this might be a good place to call America's house from she went inside. The place looked quite high-class, with expensive wines and other alcohols lining the shelves behind the bar, and all of the guests wearing tailor made suits.

Noticing an old-ish looking woman sitting at a table alone, Ukraine decided to make herself acquainted and try and find out where she was. It wasn't until she spoke that the old woman seemed to notice that she'd sat down.

"Excuse me; I was wondering if you could perhaps tell me where I am." She asked politely.

The old woman turned to look at her. "Oh, this is my son's cub. Isn't it wonderful? He's such a lovely boy." She replied.

"I'm sure he is, but could you tell me where in America I am?" Ukraine tried again.

"He's not here right now, he's out doing business with that lovely detective he talks so much about."

Realising she wasn't getting any answers any time soon, Ukraine smiled politely and stood up. "Thank you for your help."

Before she was able to leave, she felt a hand on her arm. "Wait. Why don't you come home with me so that I can introduce you to him when he gets home?"

"Oh, no, it's alright-" her protests were fruitless as the old woman was already pulling her from the club and back down the deserted streets of... wherever the hell she was.

Gertrude opened the door to her apartment and entered, Ukraine following behind, pulling the door shut as she did. She hadn't really wanted to come here but the old woman had insisted, and she seemed nice enough. Ukraine had actually warmed to her on the way over as she talked about her son, Oswald.

"Sit down. Would you like a drink?"

Ukraine obeyed. "Um, no thank you." She declined. The older woman nodded and took a seat next to her, much closer that necessary.

"I'm sorry dear; I forgot to ask you your name." Gertrude remarked, moving even closer to the country (if that was possible).

Ukraine felt her face heating up at the closeness and stumbled slightly over her words. "Oh-um... Ukraine..."

"Like the country? That's wonderful." She smiled and clapped her hands together before returning them to her side, accidentally brushing her hand against Ukraine's as she did so causing her to turn an even deeper shade of red.

Ukraine had a feeling this was going to be a long night.

"Mom! I'm home-" Oswald began as he opened the door to the apartment, but quickly stopped when he saw the sight in front of him. Stunned, he slowly backed away, closing the door as he did so. He'd just come back later. When she wasn't... busy.


	2. Chapter 2

Lucius Malfoy x Gerald Croft

Gerald was sat at the table with Sheila and the rest of the Birling family, when they heard a ring at the doorbell. The family was confused, _what would somebody want to talk about with them at this hour? They didn't even have a fucking doorbell._

Edna majestically appeared from the room opposite to the Birling family dinner table, and went to answer the door. The family continued speaking about business and the wedding, but Gerald had an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach that something was wrong about this strange call at the door at this time of night.

"It's an inspector!" called Edna from the doorway to the family, returning with a rather tall man with long, bleach blonde hair, and draped in black robes. He had a disgusted look on his face and an object in his hand that Gerald could not describe.

"I'm not a fucking inspector, you old bag."

He lifted the object in his hand and pointed it to her face, " _AVADA KADAVRA!"_

The maid dropped dead at their feet, and the entire Birling family and Gerald stood up with shock; hands in the air. The tall man approached the table; the stick-like object pointed at Mr Birling, and sat down in the seat opposite to him, taking a sip of the wine glass already placed there.

Gerald was terribly frightened, and was shaking as the tall man introduced himself as, "Lucius Malfoy, a deatheater."

Before Lucius was able to strike the weapon (which Gerald assumed was a wizard's wand, after Lucius exclaimed that he was a deatheater) at Mr Birling, the young man lunged at him, holding onto the man's black robes and begging him for the mercy of him and the family.

Lucius was distressed at the sight of the very rich-looking man pinned to him, holding firmly onto his newly cleaned black silk robes, and whispered, _rude,_ before taking out the father of the family with his previously used spell that had killed Edna.

"Please, Lucius!" Gerald begged, "for God's sake have mercy!"

There were tears in the young man's eyes, and Lucius suddenly saw how beautiful he was. He was almost as beautiful as his son, Draco.

Lucius leant down to the younger man, and softly kissed him – and Gerald took that as a sign, and kissed him passionately back.

Oswald slowly opened the door to the Birling house, knowing he was probably safe from his mother's strange player activities, but thought differently when he saw the horrific sight of two naked men rolling around on the Birling family table.

"Not again." He exclaimed, before shutting the door on the horrid sight, and running away into the void.


	3. Chapter 3

Chief Yagami X Daphne Blake

Chief Yagami sighed heavily as he looked through the case file on his desk. Somehow he had found himself working on a case with Mystery Inc, those kids were a complete waste of space. Although, he had found himself strangely drawn to one of its members. No, not the dog. A certain ginger by the name of Daphne Blake. Though, of course, he'd never let himself admit that he was attracted to her. He was married after all, and had two children.

He was shook from his thoughts when he heard someone knock at his office door. "Come in."

The door opened, and guess who walked in. Yep. Daphne. Of course. "Excuse me, Chief, are you busy?"

He looked down at the file in his hand before putting it down. "No." He said smiling politely. "Please, have a seat." She did as she was told and sat down in the chair opposite him. "So, is there something I can help you with?"

She ducked her head briefly, a blush spreading across her cheeks. "Well... um... I was... I just came to..."

He looked at her sympathetically. "It's ok. You can tell me."

"I... I'm really attracted to you."

The Chief's eyes widened. "Excuse me?" He asked, not quite believing what he had just heard.

The girl ducked her head again, and began to stand up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you. I'll just leave."

Just as she was about to leave, the Chief blocked her path, not quite sure when he'd actually stood up himself. "Wait." She stopped but refused to look at him. "I feel the same way."

Her head shot up in shock. It took her a moment before she was able to speak. "B-but you're married."

He took a step closer to her and smiled. "What my wife doesn't know, won't hurt her..."

Just as he was about to open the door, Oswald heard muffled moaning coming from the other side. "Nope." He said, turning and walking away from the door, knowing exactly what would be waiting on the other side and not wanting to see it.


	4. Chapter 4

Rogue x Tigger

Tigger ran as fast as he possibly could, his feet bounding across the grass of the 100 Acre Wood, as a gang chased close behind him, demanding their money from the previously sold drugs from Tigger's crack den. One of the members pulled a gun, and began shooting at the Tigger's feet, which made him run ever faster, until he eventually tripped over his own tail, and down a very steep hill. The gang members stopped at the hill's peak, watching the orange bundle of fur fall down until he was no longer visible. They shot their guns down at the bottom of the hill (tbh- it was so freaking far down it was probably more of a canyon than a hill) until they assumed that Tigger was no more, and his fate was sealed. Unbeknownst to them, Tigger was lying unconscious, not dead, at the foot of the hill, scratched and bruised from the tumble.

"Oh he's awake!" cried an elderly man's voice coming from the opposite end of the room that Tigger was awaking from. He found himself in a medical bed inside a large house, which the older man explained was Charles Xavier's School for the Gifted, and that a woman named Marie had called the rest of the school to save him from a horrid fall just outside the building.

"You can stay here until you feel better," Marie explained, who was sat next to the man named, Charles, "You should be up and about in no time."  
Tigger was so confused. His head hurt like a sonofabitch, and his entire body felt like it had been thrown in a blender. However, that woman in the corner was HOT.

Charles scooted out of the room in his wheelchair, and Marie walked over to the recovering creature. _Damn son_ , Tigger thought to himself, but it turned out he had said it aloud.

"You can call me, Rogue," explained Marie, winking at Tigger and beginning to take off her socks.

"You can call me daddy," exclaimed Tigger, and soon enough, he was well again, up out of bed, and grabbing onto Rogue's shoulders.

Oswald had had a busy day. He was tired and just wanted some sleep. He had also somehow stumbled into the Marvel universe. He opened the door to a particular medical room in Charles Xavier's school for the gifted, thinking MAYBE a medical room would be quiet and peaceful – and perhaps he could kill himself with the equipment there after seeing so much for his innocent eyes. One look, however, into this particular room, and he wished he could carve out both of his eyes like Fish Mooney, and he shut the door over slowly, and began to weep, as he walked away into the hall.


	5. Chapter 5

Aizawa X Tsukiyama

Brilliant. Just brilliant. Aizawa had been sent to collect some information for a case but had gotten lost on his way to the coffee shop and had ended up running into a tall purple haired guy who offered to show him the way. He regretted agreeing as soon as he'd done it. This man was insane and kept looking at Aizawa as though he wanted to eat him. Now, when they had finally reached the coffee shop, they found it to be empty. _Just my luck._

"There's no one here." He said, disappointed.

"No kidding." The taller man replied, moving to take a seat at one of the tables. "We can wait if you like. I'm sure I can entertain you." he smiled slyly at the detective.

He could've said no. He could've come back another time. But no. He decided to stay with the strange man instead. Great idea.

He took a seat opposite the man. One look into his eyes and Aizawa knew he was in trouble. And not the 'Oh, shit, I'm gonna die' kind of trouble either. Although after this he probably would want to. Aizawa gulped nervously as he felt a hand slide up his thigh. _No turning back now..._

Oswald sighed in relief as he came across the coffee shop. Maybe a nice drink would help soothe him after all the horror he'd been put through. He regretted it the minute he opened the door.


	6. Chapter 6

George Milton x James Lester

It was a regular day at the ARC for James Lester, who was sitting in his office, feet up on the table, and listening to the squad's mission of the day. Apparently, an anomaly had opened to the very recent past, something like 1940s America, and a man named George Milton had travelled through it – unfortunately, with the anomaly closing shortly after him.

"We need you to keep him here, Lester," explained Nick, "I don't believe it'll be too much of a trouble, but we can't keep him locked up somewhere else like a dinosaur, and we need to get back on track to find out when the next anomaly of his time period will open up."

 _Rude_ , James thought to himself, though he thought a little bit of company in his office might bring some conversation, and Lord knows, James was incredibly lonely in his secluded social bubble.

The ARC gang brought in a man of average height, wearing a dark hat, long shirt and pants, high-top boots, and some braces over the top. He looked about the same age as James, though he knew their conversation topics would be quite off, due to the fact that George was from the 1940s. Somewhere deep down in his dark hole of a heart, James actually felt a small spark of attraction towards the man, as he sat down on the chair across from James' desk. James lowered his feet and leaned in to speak to him after the ARC gang had gone.

"I'm sure the team have explained your situation," began James, uncomfortable around George, who was looking around the office room nervously, and twitching his feet. He looked as though he was going to cry. James, concerned with how the man looked, got up, and slid his chair over to where George was sitting, and placed a hand on George's.

"Before I came here," began George, with a strong Californian accent, "I had to kill my boyfriend. The other workers were going to send him to a nut-house, and I couldn't even think of the torture he would've faced there..."

He began to sob a little, and James rubbed his back. For some reason, the head of ARC felt relieved when George had mentioned the term, 'boyfriend'. It almost made him happy, for some reason, to hear that this man, who he had a very slight affection towards, was gay.

Without another word, George touched James Lester's face, and brought it close to his, so he could kiss him softly. James was caught off guard, but managed to pull away, his cheeks scarlet and his eyes wide.

"I-I don't want to take advantage," stuttered James, though he really did, and the man sat in front of him was insanely attractive, "I mean, y-you did just have to put your boyfriend to rest."

George pulled him in for another vigorous make-out session, after declaring that, "James, you're too hot to give a damn."

Oswald walked through an anomaly into the ARC centre not too long after his visit to the coffee shop with Aizen and Tsukiyama. At this point he was so done, and seriously thinking about sleeping inside his umbrella, when he came across a closed door at the end of the hall the anomaly had appeared from.

"Daz nice, George." Moaned a voice from the other side of the door.

Oswald walked away, making his way downtown, walking fast, streets passed.


	7. Chapter 7

Mrs Tucker X James (Team Rocket)

The bell finally rang, signalling the end of school. Unfortunately for Mrs. Tucker, she still had a lot of work to do before she went home. She waited for the last child to leave, glaring at each one as they passed before taking a seat at her desk and beginning to plan her next lesson (murder).

Suddenly, the cupboard door swung open and a purple haired guy stepped out. "Thank heavens, i thought i was going to suffocate." He exclaimed.

Mrs. Tucker just stared at him, with a mixture of both confusion and lust. He was _fine._

James looked over and saw her staring. "Oh, hello." She didn't answer. _Rude._ "I said, hello."

She shook her head, snapping herself from her daze. "Oh, hello."

The boy smiled and strode over to her. "Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now, or prepare to do me!"

Mrs. Tucker remained quiet for a moment, quite stunned, before smiling back at him and standing. "I have no intention of surrendering."

A school. Surely there can be nothing going on in a school. But of course, Oswald wasn't that lucky. He walked passed one of the rooms and glanced through the glass window, instantly regretting it as he immediately averted his eyes to the hallway in front of him and sprinted out of the building.


	8. Chapter 8

Neville Longbottom x Pikachu

Neville sat in his dorm room in Hogwarts, crying sadly that Harry and Ron had been laughing at his last name for quite some time, even though it had been four years, and they had also called his grandmother a "fat whore". He cried softly into the couch-pillow in his room, and questioned why his godforsaken life had ended up this way.

There was a sudden knock at his door, and Neville almost screamed in shock (like that weird thing Chloe does) and completely fell off the sofa. He assumed that it was probably Harry and Ron ready to bully and rape him again, so he was very reluctant to open the door. However, the knocks became louder and more persistent, so Neville quickly rushed over and opened it – only to find a strange yellow creature with a freakishly large tail dash in from outside.

 _Strange,_ thought Neville _, this doesn't look like any creature I've ever seen before... though I am in Hogwarts, and this place is filled with some fucked up shit._

The creature announced its name as Pikachu in a cute squeaky voice, and jumped up onto the sofa to cuddle up to the pillow that Neville was previously crying into. Neville was very stunned at the yellow creature, and moved with caution to sit next to it.

"Why are you here, little Pikachu?" asked Neville, smiling politely, trying not to show his inner feelings of strange affection towards the _unbeknownst to him_ , pokemon.

With the sudden voice of Morgan Freeman and Danny DeVito's mixed together came out of the pokemon's mouth, Neville almost fell off of the sofa again:

"I'm here to rupture your anus and make you feel good about yourself again, Neville. Don't let that ginger prick and little miss no-parents make you feel bad, youngling."

The tired and absolutely helpless Penguin scoured the halls of the enchanted school of witchcraft and wizadry, for one damned bed to sleep in for the night until he could go back to his mother's apartment building without being traumatised for life. Oswald found, however, an open dorm room in one of the halls (with those bitchy stairs) and decided that if anyone WAS inside, he would ask where a spare room was, so he could sleep in peace. But of course, no one can let that happen, and we must torture our dear penguin further, as he opened the door to find...

Oswald cried.


	9. Chapter 9

Mattie X France

Mattie walked along the streets of Paris, enjoying the wonderful night life after finally getting away from that dreaded university. As she walked she noticed a blonde man moving towards her, a glass of wine in his hand and a charming smile on his face.

"Bonjour mademoiselle. May I say you are looking absolutely ravishing this fine evening. Honhonhonhon."

Mattie smiled politely at him. "Why thank you, monsieur."

As she was about to continue on her way, he spoke again. "Would you care to join me for dinner?"

Mattie was about to decline but instead decided to accept the Frenchman's offer. He did look quite tasty. "Alright."

When they arrived at France's house, he immediately moved into the kitchen and brought out a bottle of wine. He gestured for Mattie to sit, which she did, and handed her a glass, before taking a seat next to her.

"So, mademoiselle, what brings you to Paris?" he asked, his charming smile hadn't left his face.

Mattie took a sip of wine. "I just wanted to get away. Also, I find the people here very, alluring. Especially the men." She gave him a sly wink.

"You're quite right. Honhonhonhon" He moved closer to her, so close in fact that she could feel his breath against her cheek. "How about I show you just how alluring we French can be?"

Although she was quite hungry, she was strangely drawn to this charming Frenchman, and thought maybe she could put off eating him for now...

Oswald prayed that no one would be in here. He prayed with all his might. Yet, still, as he opened the door, he found the exact same situation as he had been finding every other time. He closed the door and sank to his knees.


	10. Chapter 10

Leslie (Lee) Thompkins X Fred Jones

Edward rolled the body bag on the metal slab table, into the morgue, and Leslie thanked him for bringing it such a long way. She began her work immediately, unzipping the body bag to reveal a handsome young man with blonde hair, white shirt, blue pants, and a fucking amazing orange ascot. If he had still been alive, Leslie would've hit that.

And her wish was granted. All of a sudden, the man that Edward had told her was Fred Jones, sat up from the metal slab, and pulled Leslie down for a tongue battle. _Is this necrophilia?_ Leslie thought to herself, pulling off her socks through her shoes, and continuing the incredibly long kiss from Fred. _DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. He was much hotter than Jim._

Fred unlooped his ascot, and Leslie took it in her hands to whip him playfully with it, as he took off his blonde wig and threw it to the floor.

Oswald had finally made it back to Gotham, and back to the GCPD, where he desperately hoped he would find Jim, and sleep at his apartment for a while to try and forget so many traumatising experiences. Though Jim was not at his work desk, and Oswald thought that maybe he would be chatting to Leslie in the morgue, _well, she and Jim were pretending to date for Jim's sake._ He opened the door to the morgue, to which could only be described as flutterwagoning necrophilia, and shut it again, trying to think of what he could have possibly done wrong in his life (other than kill a few innocent people) that had made God want to punish him in such a way (and not the way Leslie was punishing that corpse in there with his own ascot). Oswald limped away, wanting to die.


	11. Chapter 11

Brock X Craig's Knees

Craig stared in shock at the person who had just jumped out of the TV screen and was currently standing in front of him.

The person crouched down so that he was eye level to Craig's knees. "Hi there. I'm Brock."

Craig fainted as his knees jumped off of his body towards Brock and began to climb all over him. _Rude._

Oswald found himself, once again, in a completely different world to his own. Hopefully in this one he'll find some peace. Alas, t'was not to be. As he opened the door and peered in, he shrieked in horror. _What the fuck is wrong with these people?_


	12. Chapter 12

Edward Nygma x Hex Girls

Edward wasn't very curious to see what was going on in the morgue room, as he heard moaning from Leslie and a scream from, who he assumed from the voice, was Oswald. He returned to the Annex to find a specific file for Detective Gordon and Bullock, his only friends in the entire G.C.P.D who listened, or more accurately, put up with him.

He made his way down(town) the stairs to the desks, and placed the file on the table, but not before noticing the three girls confined in the prison cell near the main desks. Edward, confused but intrigued by the strangely dressed prisoners, made his way down even more stairs to meet them face to face – only separated by several bars.

Edward tried to make polite conversation with the girls, who explained that they were in holding until they were cleared of being witches (WHICH THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT THEY ARE WICKENS WHICH ARE LIKE, TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS). After a while, Edward noticed that the three of them were actually paying attention to his riddles, and he actually wanted to continue conversing with them... unfortunately, Edward actually had a job to do.

"I promise I will get you out of this," Edward explained to them, "I'll come back later tonight, when the guards are asleep, and I'll let you out and get rid of the evidence. You can live with me if you want. I really enjoy speaking with you."

In unison, Thorn, Dusk, and Luna thanked him, and told him that they, too, enjoyed his riddles and choices of conversation. Edward had not met anyone who didn't simply put up with him, and who actually wanted to listen to him more. He would not let down on his promise.

"I'm back," Edward whispered, unlocking the cell and stepping inside to help them with their belongings.

"Thank you," the girls began, though they were definitely not exiting the cell, as they began to strip themselves of their socks, "You can call us all the Hex Girls, if you wish, Ed."

 _Rude._ Edward felt himself grow incredibly red and uncomfortable, as the girls took the key from his hand, and locked the cell door behind him.

"Oh, dear."

Oswald, had, once again, returned to the G.C.P.D in search of Jim for a place to sleep, though his backup option was just to simply sleep in the police station. He didn't care if he got arrested for it, at least he'd have a cell to stay in for the night, and he thought that _surely,_ surely no-one would be _doing that_ at this time of night in the middle of the police station. As long as he didn't open any more doors, which he knew, by this point, was a bad idea.

The lights were out, and Oswald couldn't see very clearly. However, he could clearly make out four shapes inside one of the cells nearest to him, though it was unclear as to what all of these people would be doing inside one cell in the middle of the night.

Before Oswald could even think twice, he heard a moaning scream of "JOHN FUCKING CENA" from one of the cells, and he quickly retreated back into the night.


	13. Chapter 13

Sirius Black X Mrs. Billington

"Oh bother." Sirius muttered as he looked around him. He had tried teleporting to his house but had wound up in the middle of a school. He began walking down the corridor, looking for an exit when he saw a woman in one of the classrooms. Immediately he felt an attraction towards her so he opened the door and strode inside.

The woman looked up as she heard him come in. "Who are you?"

"Sirius Black." He replied, giving her a smile. "I was trying to find my way home but then I noticed your beautiful face and thought I'd introduce myself."

Mrs Billington smiled at the compliment and walked over to him. "People who don't work here aren't meant to be here at night," she leaned in close, "but for you, I'll make an exception."

Sirius also began to lean in close to her. "That's very kind of you."

He was in a school again. This time at the complete opposite side as he had been previously. Surely there can't be more people screwing around in here. He knew he shouldn't have opened the door, and yet he did anyway. He'll never be able to get the image of that taser or that tail out of his mind.


	14. Chapter 14

Ian Mckellen x Molly Weasley

Molly Weasley was pregnant...for the eighth time. She was up in a tree, with Arthur and Draco Malfoy, when she began birthing a horrific sight. Her uterus began to glow yellow!

"I AM A BENCH WARMER!" screamed Molly, as she fired a 70+ year old man from her nipnop, and he flew out of the tree and had to climb back up using only his sharp wit and his even sharper good looks. He enticed the tree.

"My son," Molly smiled, stroking the man's beard, "Arthur, shall we begin the incestuous ritual?!"

Draco and Alfred, sorry, I mean Arthur, nodded in agreement.

Oswald was taking a long stroll outside to get some fresh air. He really needed to clear his head from all the memories... he would never be able to look at a taser to same way ever again. He heard a noise which sounded like gay incest. He looked upwards, noticing a gang in a tree, which would definitely give him nightmares for the next century of his godforsaken life. It was as though Chloe looked upwards at a tree one day and saw Aizen stabbing both Momo and Yuka in the face at the same time. Seriously, it WAS THAT BAD. Oswald shanked himself with his umbrella.


	15. Chapter 15

Voldemort X Kelly

Voldemort strutted down the streets of Gotham, searching for his next victim. As he turned a corner, he noticed a man coming in the opposite direction looking rather tattered. _Perfect._ He thought to himself as he grasped his wand and began to raise it. He pointed it towards the man.

Kelly stopped suddenly as he noticed Voldemort in front of him and lifted his hands in the air in surrender. "W-what do you want?" he stuttered.

"Hello naughty child, time for death." Voldemort said as he walked closer to the cowering man. Just as he was about to cast his spell he looked into the man's pleading eyes. He stopped, gazing into them for a few moments. He had never felt this way before. He knew he couldn't kill this man even if he wanted to. Instead, he lowered his wand and crouched down so that he was level with Kelly, who had moved onto his knees, weeping. Voldemort reached out a pale hand and brushed Kelly's tears away before moving his head closer to Kelly's.

Oswald was back in Gotham. Again. He had decided that if he couldn't find a room to sleep in, he would just sleep on the street for the night. As he turned the next corner he realised that that wasn't going to happen.


End file.
